Reported You Dead
by MeredithBrody
Summary: Brody has to face a life changing situation. (Brames)(Random angst)


**OK so. This can be blamed on a few songs and my muse being in a bad mood. I just felt the need to cause Brody some emotional pain. For lolz. I'm a horrible person.  
Shin xx**

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 _ **I can see it coming round full circle my friend.  
On the TV they said they had reported you dead.  
It was my fault 'cause I could've sworn that you said,  
It was easy to find another for your bed.  
How does it feel to leave me this way,  
When all that you have's been lost in a day?  
Everyone knows, but not what to say.  
I've been wonderin' now.**_

 _"The BBC is confirming the death of correspondent James Lathom. The thoughts of all here go to his fiancé, Meredith, his mother Sharon and his sister Elizabeth."_

How many years had she spent wondering when she'd hear those words. She'd known they were going to come eventually. She'd always known, but she had hoped that some suspect would have gotten her first, and that it would be his name and photo being shown on those reports. Probably the same photo they were using of the two of them today. Thankfully they had been prohibited from giving her profession. That she was relieved about. She just laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She didn't know how she got through the next few days, but she somehow did, and managed to get Pride to agree to fly to England with her for the funeral.

The morning of the service she just stood there with James' coffin, she knew that Pride was in the room, but she had no idea what he was thinking, or even what she was thinking. All she knew was that any dream of a family had been ended by insurgents, and this was the last time she was going to be anywhere near James' body. "You doing OK?"

"No." She was remembering his smile, the way he'd speak to her when it was just the two of them. His special ways of telling her that she was the most important woman in the world to him. She thought about how that had understood each other in a way nobody else could ever. Losing this was the worst thing she could ever have imagined.

"I'm right here with you." Pride said, putting his hand on her shoulder. He had been there every step of the way, as she'd somewhat shut down when she found out, and she hadn't really known what to do or how she was thinking. Not that she blamed herself, if she wouldn't blame a victim's family, she needed to let herself off too. It annoyed her though.

"Thanks." She genuinely meant that. She had needed someone like Pride in her life, he was a trusted friend, and she had never been skilled at making them. She was normally far too closed off to develop those deep friendships. It was a problem, and she hated that she still had it. It was the same thing that had caused all that, and she wondered if she would be able to forgive herself.

"This was my fault you know." She muttered, and she knew that Pride would try to convince her that she was wrong. He didn't need to speak, he didn't need to say anything for her to know that. But the truth was, he didn't know what had happened, and he didn't know how similar the situation was to when James had left for Afghanistan.

"He was killed on the front line, Brody." Pride's immediate response was, and he reached over and squeezed her shoulder. She shook her head and put her hand on the smooth mahogany that made up the casket. This was her last chance to even imagine she was touching James. She'd never get to do that again.

"The assignment though... he only took the assignment because we had a fight." She eventually admitted. She wasn't proud of it, and the one solace she had was that they had managed to make up a few days before it had all happened. She'd told him she loved him, and the last words she'd ever heard from him was those three words.

Pride clearly realised that she wasn't just saying this. She truly believed that this was her fault. Mostly because the facts would back her up on the fact that it was her fault. That James leaving was caused by this fight. That was the thing she hated most. She could actually trace it to that fight. "What did you fight about?"

"He was flirting with this... researcher. I guess." She shook her head and frowned. The truth was it had barely been flirting, but she'd flown off the handle, and while she now knew what it was, she didn't like using it as an excuse. "I was pissed. We've not even been back together a year. He said that he should leave, and it would be easy for me to find someone to take his place in my bed."

"That was mean." Pride said, and as Brody ran back through what she'd said in her mind she couldn't help but chuckle. Of course that would sound harsh to anyone that wasn't her, but it was quite the opposite. In a way, it was James telling her that he'd still love her, and that he knew she still loved him. That was something she would need to explain.

"Nah, it was something we said." She smiled and looked at the picture of him smiling. She'd taken that photo, on the only vacation they'd taken since they'd gotten back together. The only vacation they would ever take. He looked so calm and peaceful. She had loved everything about those two weeks. Especially the company. That made this easier to explain. "We were always in each other's hearts, so anyone knew was just for the bed."

"Oh." It was obvious that Pride had no idea how to reply to that, and really she couldn't entirely blame him. It was something that probably sounded totally stupid to anyone else in the universe, but it had worked for them. She had loved James with all of her heart, and losing him cut into her.

"I can't believe he left me like this Pride." She just whispered, balling her hand on the shirt of his favourite rugby team that was draped halfway down the coffin. She didn't even remember the name of the team right now. It had been important to him though. She should remember that.

"What do you mean?" He asked, and she realised he couldn't possibly know the situation, then again, James had never known either. That was definitely the thing that was bothering her the most about all of this. She would never be able to let him know how much harder it all was on her now.

"I'm pregnant." She let out a watery laugh and wiped her eyes, then dropped her hand to her stomach. "I only found out the day he was killed. He never knew. He'll never know he was going to be a father." She looked again at the photo and closed her eyes. Just trying to imagine James as a father for a few moments. He would have been perfect, and she would have loved watching him learn. Learning right beside him.

"I... don't... know what to say." Pride admitted, and it was nice to hear someone say that rather than the platitudes she'd been hearing since the news had broken. Less than a week had passed and everything had changed.

"Nobody does, it's OK." She tried to reassure him. Because it was true. Nobody knew how to speak to her right now. Nobody knew how to say 'sorry this is terrible' without sounding heartless, and Brody rarely wanted to help. "Everything I have was lost in less than 24 hours. I never planned on having a child, and I certainly never planned on being a single mother. But I can't give up the last thing I have left of James."

"I understand that. I think Linda would have felt the same when she was pregnant with Laurel." Maybe all people would. If they had that one thing that kept them connected with the person they'd lost. The person they now missed. That was the main reason Brody was keeping. She still wasn't sure she wanted to be a mother, but this was her baby, and this was the baby she and James were planning together. She couldn't believe that it had come to this, after all.

"The night after we found out, when I saw the news report that mentioned me and his mom and his sister." She knew Sharon and Liz missed James too, but she couldn't open up to them. She needed her family, not her biological family, though her parents were there too, but her chosen family. The family that she'd made in New Orleans, and she loved it there. "I had to remind myself I was pregnant to stop me just getting completely wasted." She really wished she could have drunk though, it really would have helped her deal with it.

"Take your time Meredith, say goodbye." Pride said then turned away and started walking to the doorway. She knew he wanted to give her space, and she appreciated that. Maybe she did need to do this alone after all, she wasn't sure anymore. She was never sure anymore. All she knew was that she needed to do something.

"Thanks." She smiled at Pride as he headed out, leaving her alone with the casket. She knew he'd be hovering outside the door, but she was still grateful that he was giving her this time alone, to grieve, and to tell James the things she needed to tell him. The first thing was probably the easiest thing to say. No matter the years they'd been apart, it was the one thing that had always remained true. "God I miss you, you big idiot."

 _ **I've been staring at the hotel ceiling,  
Drinking everything I've found this evening,  
Trying to hold onto the sweetest feeling,  
So I'll never let you go, don't you leave me lonely.  
Start to see this, everyone I know cannot believe this.  
Trying to hold onto the sweetest feeling,  
So I'll never let you go, don't you leave me lonely now.**_


End file.
